Nealia's Articles
The Horse Show WORLD ACCORDING TO NEALIA
By Nealia McCracken
The new millennium in my mind needs to bring new changes. After countless years of showing and listening to exhibitors and spectators complain about classes, judging, and general scheduling of a show I have come up with a new schedule of classes which I feel will help reduce the number of complaints. These classes are classes many of you have thought about but no one else but me has been brave enough to put in print.
The exhibitor’s parties will be before the performance so all can be relaxed and enjoy the show fully.
Opening up our new extravaganza of classes is the LADIES FINE HARNESS. This class will be judged two fold. The first judging criteria will be strictly on the ladies ensemble. How well each lady is appointed and how well they can carry it off. The secondary criterion is for the horse. The criteria for these horses are how well they can move themselves around the ring and effectively cause the ladies gowns to flow properly. They will also need to be handy enough to be maneuvered around the ring by the ladies to ensure the maximum exposure of their ensembles, to both the judges and the crowd alike. Neiman Marcus, Vera Wang and Jessica McClintock would be appropriate sponsors.
Following this elegant class is the BEST TWO OUT OF THREE GATES. What would be more fun? The class will run as follows. The judge will call for the first gate (rider’s choice) and immediately call the second gate, again the rider’s choice. They will reverse and repeat this process. This allows the rider to show case the three gaited horses in their two best gates. This class is available for your sponsorship.
The third class in our competition will give the Dads and the Grandparents their 15 minutes of fame. These people represent an extremely important part of our industry that normally is left quietly sitting in our stands. The CHECKBOOK CLASS will be the class for these quiet patrons of our industry. Exhibitors will enter with a notarized copy of the cancelled check to prove the purchase price of their horse. The highest price horse in each division will be the winner. Six places will be awarded and remember you cannot cross enter divisions. Possible sponsors for this class include Citibank and local mortgage lenders.
We will step-up the action for a class that makes everyone feels like a kid at heart, the PARADE CLASS. This class consists of any type horse pulling as fine harness buggy that has been converted into a float. The class is especially good to dress up younger siblings in costumes and have them positioned on the float throwing out candy to spectators. The parade class will be run as follows. Each exhibitor will enter the arena forming a single continuous line evenly spaced where they will move at a slow pace, go about 10 feet and stop and wait while the ring announcer describes each float as it passes his vantage point. They will continue in a straight line and out the out gate. The spectators know it will be the end of the class when the clowns enter to clean up any manure or garbage left by this class. Depending on the time of the year your show could employ themes according to the holidays, i.e. Valentines Day and 4th of July are extremely popular. The sponsor for the parade class could be Brach's
Candy or Macys.
Let’s have a change of pace from our normal classes and present what we call the VIDEO CLASS. The specs of this class are as follows: send in the best video your have of your horse performing its class from your home or stable. There will be no sound allowed in this video. The judges will have previously watched the videos at their hotels and tie the class strictly on the video and award the placings at the horse show. We expect this class to be wildly popular with the people who don’t actually ever show their horses but always seem to think they could have won their respective class. The sponsors for the video class could be Sony and Panasonic. Think of the money saved in show care and shipping!
At this point it is time we call the our equitation riders to enter the ring and be judged in the SCHOLASTIC EQUITATION CLASS These riders will be expected to perform as in any other equitation class and be judged on the rider’s skills. Rather than place the class 1st through 6th, the judge will grade the class. Each and every rider will receive a grade either A, B, C or D thus allowing the possibility of every rider to receive an A. This class is designed not to discourage riders, but to allow them to compete in a judging system that is structured like the familiar grading system used in their schools. The sponsor of this class could be Sylvan Learning Center and Scholastic Aptitude Testing Services.
To interject a lot of energy into the next class, we will allow every possible training aid that is humane to be used. This will be the IF ONLY!!! CLASS. We hope this will keep your adrenaline flowing as trainers from around the country will be demonstrating their horses most natural ability aided by training aids i.e. stretchies, chains, baby powder, fire extinguishers, air horns etc. Each competitor will be allowed one ground person in the ring. This class should be enthusiastically sponsored by tack shops around the country. (Oh by the way, Chuck says to stop by and see him at your next show.)
Slowing the action down we will proceed with the ENGLISH and or WESTERN LINEUP CLASS. This class is for the rider and horse team that while they may not be the star in the performance end of the class, they excel at looking exceedingly beautiful in the lineup. Your horse should be required to look purposely up into the crowds with the look of eagles while the rider has the most outstandingly outfit with every hair in place and no detail left untouched. This would be a good class for in hand horses that do not quite make it on the performance end. Paige Kahn of Le Cheval, Carl Meyers and exclusive beauty salons would be good sponsors for this class.
Let’s pump up the action one more time with the CROWD’S CHOICE CLASS (also could be called a Louisville style crowds choice class) this class is reminiscent and in the spirit of the classes at the Kentucky State Fair. You know the ones where the judges tie them and the crowds don’t agree. They applaud and cheer for the horse they feel should have won. The exhibitors will be required to whip the spectators into a cheering frenzy in order to win this class. The judge will be actually tying the crowd’s response rather than his opinion of the horses. This is truly a spectator sport. This class could be sponsored by Cloraseptic Sore Throat spray.
We’ll slow things down a bit and follow this high-energy class with the ALMOST WESTERN CLASS. Any combination of the following is permitted in the almost western class. Riding two handed, a western saddle with a work snaffle and martingale or a western curb bridle with an English saddle. Horses need not neck rein and showing two handed would be expected. Specs for this class are almost the same as in western pleasure, but not quite. This class is available for sponsorship.
From a nice relaxing class we’ll step up the pace to the FASTEST HORSE CLASS. Only two gaits are required in this class, the trot and the rack. Form or lack there of is not relevant. Only speed will count. The judge should be required to use a stopwatch. The benefit of this class is that will not require much time out of your show schedule. This class could be sponsored by Cigna Health Services and the NASCAR fan club.
Totally new for the 2002 show schedule line up will be the CRAPPY HORSE CLASS. This class was designed to alleviate the need for creating a new pleasure horse class. The specs for this class include the horses not needing to wear the bridle and not executing their gaits properly if at all. Running to the middle, stopping and spinning are to be rewarded. Lack of saddlebred type required. Cheap and dirty equipment to receive extra credit. Rounding off this new class a total lack of manners in the line up will help ensure success. Causing the judge to jump out of the way to save his life receives bonus points. In short the crappiest overall horse and performance wins. The worst are the best and the best are the worst in this class. The sponsors for this class could be garage sales, flea markets, used tack sales across the country and the National Organization of Chiropractic Physicians.
The next class is the EXCUSE CLASS. This class will be run as any standard class. As the judge walks the line up each rider is given a chance to give an excuse as to why their horse wasn’t better. An example my horse came in heat, somebody ran into me, another horse covered up all my good passes, I got cut off, my horse always takes both leads, and I’ve never had this problem before. The judge will then combine the performance score with the excuse score to tie the class.
The TOTALLY PLEASURABLE PLEASURE CLASS in this class you will be judged strictly on how much fun the rider is having while performing in the class. The form of the horse is secondary to the amount of fun the rider exhibits. Laughing and excessive smiling and carrying on conversations with friends on the rail shall be rewarded. . You must steer clear of x-rated type pleasurable situations. The rider will be penalized for exhibiting too much pleasure for things that border line on x-rated. To be penalized rider that sweats excessively. No pleasure greater then PG13 is acceptable. Discussions are underway with Budweiser regarding the sponsorship of this class.
The last class is FOUR OUT OF FIVE GAITS. In this five-gaited class the rider is allowed to choose the horses best four out of five gaits. The judge calls for gait 1, 2, 3 and 4 rather then the gait by name.
One additional change to our show extravaganza is that there will be a complaint committee. You write up and present your complaint about the judging to the committee for their review. Please note your signature is required for us to even review the complaint. Once the complaint has been reviewed the person making the complaint will be required to be a judge for that class the next time it is held. Every person that writes 10 complaints or more will be required to sit on our complaint committee.
A tack room award will be presented and the judging criteria will be as follows: largest TV, most comfortable chairs, best electric fans, most golf carts, best stocked bar and refreshment center. An air-conditioned sitting room to be given preference. The most jungle like appearance sporting plants and other exotic decorations enabling you to imagine you are anywhere but where you actually are-in a barn.
At the end of my show each exhibitor will be awarded their very own blue ribbon, which will be labeled “Would have been a blue if they had hired the right judge”. That way everybody is happy no matter who judges.
